Bit 2.4
Martin acknowledged the point, and then turned to his paperwork. They both knew there was only one issue of any importance remaining to be discussed.
"So, the SRAs then?"
When they had held their first ever meeting, in the early days of the government, the mention of the Suburban Relocation Areas would have precipitated several weeks' worth of discussion and analysis. For a long time it felt like it was the single, the only issue for the Government to consider. Foreign affairs were ignored (at least as much as they could be), trade, unemployment, health - all discussion had to be suspended. Now, in the dying days of the Parliamentary year, there was a feeling of jubilation, mingled with severe exhaustion when the topic came up.
"George, you have to realise we've achieved something monumental here. We've begun to heal the years of damage that Roach, that cretinous fool, caused. It's a momentous achievement, truly exceptional."
But Humphreys casting another disapproving look at Martin. "You mustn't speak ill of Anthony, Frank. Everyone in this position does their best, and I'm sure he had his reasons for the actions he took and the decisions he made. We are all fallible Frank, even you."
"If you say so, George." But the glance that Martin threw at the floor showed that Humphreys' pleas had fallen on deaf ears. "But the fact remains that we have suceeded where no-one thought we would. The figures here alone state it." Laying his consultation paper on the desk he pointed to various graphs as he explained "Serious offences down 75% - that's THREE-QUARTERS, George, that's phenomenal. All the constituent elements have fallen too - physicaland sexual assault, anti-social behaviour, even minor misdemeanours such as vandalism - all showing massive decreases across the board. Of course, these are the year-on-year decreases. The month-on-month analysis is less spectacular, but it all adds up."
"Do you think that it's all due to the new policies?"
"Well, certainly the community service aspects have had a great impact. And the zero tolerance approach to serious crime had a spectacular effect. Of course, it's led to massive increases in the prison population, but the new solitary confinement policies and units have had excellent results. Re-offending is down 62%, which is magnificent." Frank was positively beaming. "It's almost beyond belief George."
But Humphreys still looked troubled. He sat in silence a moment, his brow creased in thought. Finally he spoke.
"So, in your opinion, are the National Guard still required?"
Frank paused, his face falling. "You know my feelings on that matter George. I'm in total agreement with you, the deployment of the National Guard should never have happened, and certainly shouldn't be continuing. But O'Malley believes..."
"I have already had my meeting with Richard, George. I'm asking your professional opinion here. Do you think it is still necessary to have the National Guard deployed in the SRAs?"
Silence.
"I have to say, from a professional point of view, sir. Yes. They are still needed. It's not the right moment to pull them out."
Humphreys nodded, remaining silent.
"The fact is, " continued Martin "yes, our policies and changes made a difference. But they would have been useless had the National Guard not already been in place to enforce them. And they continue to have a discouraging effect on potential criminals."
More silence. Finally, Humphreys spoke.
"Richard is very much of the same opinion."
Martin snorted derisively, "You would hardly expect him not to be, to be fair. Turkeys don't vote for Christmas."
"But he employed the same arguments, Frank. And he is a trusted member of my Cabinet. You w ouldn't have expected me to have appointed someone as Secretary of State for Internal Security who would put his own career prospects in front of doing the right and proper thing, would you?"
"No, George, I wouldn't."
Humphreys gave what he hoped was a relaxing smile. He didn't want to be at odds with the most trusted member of his Cabinet, and more to boot, a personal friend.
"All being well, if the figures continue to show this downturn, we should be able to dispand the National Guard and the Department for Internal Security early next term. And Richard need not worry. He already knows that he's due a plum post in the Cabinet when Margaret steps down. After all his work for DfIS, he deserves a good post."
But Frank's face remained impassive. "Well, George, there is a slight hiccough with this."
"So, the SRAs then?"
When they had held their first ever meeting, in the early days of the government, the mention of the Suburban Relocation Areas would have precipitated several weeks' worth of discussion and analysis. For a long time it felt like it was the single, the only issue for the Government to consider. Foreign affairs were ignored (at least as much as they could be), trade, unemployment, health - all discussion had to be suspended. Now, in the dying days of the Parliamentary year, there was a feeling of jubilation, mingled with severe exhaustion when the topic came up.
"George, you have to realise we've achieved something monumental here. We've begun to heal the years of damage that Roach, that cretinous fool, caused. It's a momentous achievement, truly exceptional."
But Humphreys casting another disapproving look at Martin. "You mustn't speak ill of Anthony, Frank. Everyone in this position does their best, and I'm sure he had his reasons for the actions he took and the decisions he made. We are all fallible Frank, even you."
"If you say so, George." But the glance that Martin threw at the floor showed that Humphreys' pleas had fallen on deaf ears. "But the fact remains that we have suceeded where no-one thought we would. The figures here alone state it." Laying his consultation paper on the desk he pointed to various graphs as he explained "Serious offences down 75% - that's THREE-QUARTERS, George, that's phenomenal. All the constituent elements have fallen too - physicaland sexual assault, anti-social behaviour, even minor misdemeanours such as vandalism - all showing massive decreases across the board. Of course, these are the year-on-year decreases. The month-on-month analysis is less spectacular, but it all adds up."
"Do you think that it's all due to the new policies?"
"Well, certainly the community service aspects have had a great impact. And the zero tolerance approach to serious crime had a spectacular effect. Of course, it's led to massive increases in the prison population, but the new solitary confinement policies and units have had excellent results. Re-offending is down 62%, which is magnificent." Frank was positively beaming. "It's almost beyond belief George."
But Humphreys still looked troubled. He sat in silence a moment, his brow creased in thought. Finally he spoke.
"So, in your opinion, are the National Guard still required?"
Frank paused, his face falling. "You know my feelings on that matter George. I'm in total agreement with you, the deployment of the National Guard should never have happened, and certainly shouldn't be continuing. But O'Malley believes..."
"I have already had my meeting with Richard, George. I'm asking your professional opinion here. Do you think it is still necessary to have the National Guard deployed in the SRAs?"
Silence.
"I have to say, from a professional point of view, sir. Yes. They are still needed. It's not the right moment to pull them out."
Humphreys nodded, remaining silent.
"The fact is, " continued Martin "yes, our policies and changes made a difference. But they would have been useless had the National Guard not already been in place to enforce them. And they continue to have a discouraging effect on potential criminals."
More silence. Finally, Humphreys spoke.
"Richard is very much of the same opinion."
Martin snorted derisively, "You would hardly expect him not to be, to be fair. Turkeys don't vote for Christmas."
"But he employed the same arguments, Frank. And he is a trusted member of my Cabinet. You w ouldn't have expected me to have appointed someone as Secretary of State for Internal Security who would put his own career prospects in front of doing the right and proper thing, would you?"
"No, George, I wouldn't."
Humphreys gave what he hoped was a relaxing smile. He didn't want to be at odds with the most trusted member of his Cabinet, and more to boot, a personal friend.
"All being well, if the figures continue to show this downturn, we should be able to dispand the National Guard and the Department for Internal Security early next term. And Richard need not worry. He already knows that he's due a plum post in the Cabinet when Margaret steps down. After all his work for DfIS, he deserves a good post."
But Frank's face remained impassive. "Well, George, there is a slight hiccough with this."
posted by U-B | 11:13 am
3 Comments:
I have to say bit 2 is no where near as good as bit 1, I keep losing it, why do I care about these people (because I find it difficult to relate to them)? Is it important that crime is down 75%? Are any of these people important? Also the dialogue is clunky with too much exposition. Is this how people really talk? Why and how is this relevant to the story?
For example:
"George, you have to realise we've achieved something monumental here. We've begun to heal the years of damage that Roach, that cretinous fool, caused. It's a momentous achievement, truly exceptional." (wouldn't this be "George, don't you realise? This is monumental!" George was almost dancing. "The wound left by that cretin Roach is healing, exceptional, truly exceptional." ?)
But Humphreys casting another disapproving look at Martin. "You mustn't speak ill of Anthony, Frank. Everyone in this position does their best, and I'm sure he had his reasons for the actions he took and the decisions he made. We are all fallible Frank, even you." (Have you ever, really heard someone speak like this? Try evesdropping on a conversation and writing down exactly how they talk. Is there a way Humpreys can show his disaproval, rather than stating he has a disaproving look? Maybe turning his back or reading some notes?)
It goes on a bit like this. Try to show, don't tell. If someone is happy, make them do happy things, if they are disapproving, make them avoid eye contact, or sneer or ignore them.
I hope this helps, of course if you disagree then you should ignore me - every writer has control over his work, just wanted to make you think.
M
Thanks dude. I know this bit is clunky. But the fact is this is a long project and though you don't care about these characters yet, you will. There are several seeds planted about later (crime being down 75% is not strictly important, but look around that, and pretty much the core of what is going to happen is around these bits).
As regards the conversations, I'm sorry to have to say, I do disagree. I hear people talk like this every single day. The style of delivery, the arrangements for the meeting, the couching of everything in excessively wordy terms. It's a pretty accurate description of 95% of meetings that go on here.
For example - "George was almost dancing." Neither appropriate to his status (the PM), his feelings (apprehensive to the seeming good fortune). Interestingly, both speeches you've picked up on are based on pretty similar comments on different subjects that were actually made at meetings I've been at.
These are reserved people who've been in the Service a long time. They do act like this. And if you ask for the evidence it's there - the tea stirring, the raised eyebrows. It all adds up.
But it doesn't make for interesting reading, I agree, and does need fairly major re-writing.
Ok, I stand corrected, only I now feel really sorry for you having to work with these people. No wonder you get the urge to rant.
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