Bit 3.4

"You were avoiding her weren't you?"
Agh! Never sit up so rapidly after you've had your head kicked in, it hurts. "D, I wish you'd give me some warning that you're coming in."
"I knocked. You were on planet Kate."
Planet Kate. Mmm. Now that's something I would give a kidney to see.
"Yes, I was. Satisfied?" Oh oh. "You know what, I'm sick of being judged by you and Rob! I can't help it alright? You think I'd still be chasing her wildly if I had any choice in the matter?! It's bad enough I have to sit here and watch them - watch him - where I should be! Do you think I like not being able to see my friends, not being able to relax in my own place? Do you think if I'd had a FRACTION of a choice I woud have gone to that bar tonight? So if you've got nothing else to add, just sod off and leave me alone."
Silence. Perhaps I overstepped the mark a little.
"Finished?"
Oh great. Now the guilt.
"I'm sorry D. You didn't deserve that."
Oh this is embarrassing.
Do not cry.
DO NOT CRY!
Damn.
"Hey Remy, come on mate." Dmitri's hugging me. I'm so pathetically grateful for this show of compasion, the momentousness of this occasion is bypassing me. Dmitri, Mr Calm and Reserved letting a bit of compassion seep out. Don't get me wrong, Mitya's a fantastic person, and I don't doubt he loves us all very much. But the man makes a Finnish Formula 1 driver look animated.
Mind you, you've got to be reserved if you're going to do what he does. You can't get emotional.
And suddenly I'm getting away from thoughts of Kate and thank God the tears are stopping.
And now it's awkward.
"Thanks"
"If you mention I did that to Rob I will make the left side of your face look like the right side."
I can tell that's not an idle threat.
"Serious for a moment though Rem," I thought we were being serious? "Rob told me what happened."
I bet he did. "I deny everything."
"I happen to think I've known Rob for quite long enough to tell when he's making stuff up and not. Rem, you've got to learn to fight back."
No.
"No."
I will not fight back. "You know my feelings on that."
Right, here's the thing. I don't go in for violence. Not in a "holier-than-thou, shall-not-strike-my-brother" thing, no, something far more powerful than that. My own belief. There's no need for it. Growing up when I did, amidst the race riots that have pretty much been forgotten about now, you learnt to keep your head down and run from trouble. But even doing that, you knew that trouble would one day find you, and when it did, the path of least resistance was always the least painful. Not fighting back meant you had a higher-than-outside chance of surviving.
"Remi, there's a difference between aggression and simple self-defence."
D's right of course. It would make sense to defend myself in a situation like tonight. But if I give in once, what's to stop me giving in again? It'll be like opening the flood gates.
Rob's appeared in the doorway now. "You're not exactly a small guy, you keep yourself in shape. You could have fought off that bloke tonight, no trouble."
None of them understand.
My Dad was beaten to death in front of me when I was nine. My older brother was crippled in front of me when I was 10. If I start fighting, I'm aligning myself with the people who destroyed my family. And, as I say, if I start fighting, I'm not sure I'll be able to stop.
"Let's just drop this conversation now, OK?"
D's disappointed, I can see that. I know he's only worried. It's what makes him a good man.
"Have Kate and Mike gone?"
Rob's chuckling again. "You're safe mate. They've gone to the pub."
"Right. Get me to hospital. I hurt and I think I'm going to pass out again."